As a yummy treat, here’s a video of me when I was 2 months old, playing with my new toy, trying to master my unique head shake technique, when ALL OF A SUDDEN, some monster bellowed out to me to get off the table!
RUN. When you first encounter the new person, always STOP whatever it was you were doing – grooming yourself, staring out the window, eating or drinking, chewing shoes, barking at a cat – and RUN to the new person that needs to be met with. New person is always the most important person! It doesn’t matter if they walk in with your lifelong pal/caretaker/parent/not-new person. Ignore them. They’re always there for you and you have to take that for granted. Why, Ziggy, why, you ask? Because presenting yourself as the CUTEST DOG EVER to their new friends will leave a longstanding impression that will only make your person seem that much awesomer and pays dividends to them in the long run. I know, I know, I’m wise.
2) More than meets the eye
STARE. Staring deep into the new persons soul as you rush towards them is so important! While not critical to the first impression process, allowing them the chance to make eye contact with you is your most powerful tool… in order to get that treat! Yes, it’s all about using our most important natural skill: The Puppy Dog Eyes. You can always tell a mark when you see one. They must be taken advantage of. PDE FTW.
3) Lick, Lick, Lick!
SLURP. If the eye contact fails, there’s nothing like the slobber of your saliva on their skin to get their attention! I don’t do more than a few licks (unless the new person has been sweating a lot which is salty and yummy!), but there really is no such thing as ‘too many licks’. Lick away and try to get every exposed area of skin within your reach. Add a jump or two and they may bend over and that’s when you go for the face! Be careful, as jumping on any new person is met with a possible reprimand from your not new person, but a face lick is worth it in the end!
4) Bringing up the Rear
BUTT. My favorite technique. The Butt is a guaranteed move. No one forgets the butt. Remember, that’s how I got you here in the first place! (see first post) This is your first chance to have them interact with you. Let them feel like they’re in control. Like you’re not really enjoying the butt scratch. But you are. Oh yeah, you are. Try to lean your butt weight into the new person. This is the Butt Trust Lean. Trust that new leg. Advanced Technique ProTip: If they’re not comfortable with your junk on their trunk, they may tend to take their leg away and force you to fall! That’s okay, don’t let it faze you! Just move right into the Wag n’ Roll; the combination of steps 5 and 6!
5) Wag it like you just don’t care
“Why does the dog wag its tail?
Because the dog is smarter than the tail.
If the tail were smarter, it would wag the dog.” – Wag the Dog (Movie)
Our tails (or adorably nubby stubs!) are an important part of our arsenal for making sure to get noticed but also to let the person know how happy we are to make their acquaintance! Think about how they say hi to each other using their arms when they’re very happy – it’s the same motion that we make with our tails! They basically copied that move from us to communicate with each other from a distance to convey happiness. This is the natural next move after you’ve used your butt on them, and as a bonus, if your tail is long enough, you can use it to whack them a couple times. Physically assaulting them is sometimes the only thing they understand. They are after all, a very violent species. Remember what ol’ Zig recommends… Go for the face!
6) On the ground, soldier
ROLL. While they’re distracted by the wagging tail, it’s time for the ultimate move… The Belly Roll! While the Butt Scratch is nice, you know you’ve succeeded in wrapping them around your wittle paws when they’re on the floor with you giving you ALL the belly rubs! Make sure that as they reach down to give you that scratch, you slowly time your roll so they don’t make contact until you’re both completely on the floor. This insures that they are completely engaged in their task and they will spend the most amount of time – sometimes using BOTH hands – to give you those oh, so satisfying scratches. Remember to kick your leg if they get the right spot so they keep it going!
7) Leave them wanting more
TRICKS. Congratulations! If you’ve made it this far, there’s a 99% chance that you’ve made that critical first impression an absolute success! But this is the moment where you can ensure that the new person leaves there screaming, THATWASTHECOOLESTDOGEVEROMGSOOOOCUTELIKEYEAH. How, you ask? Well, reach into that bag and pull out all the tricks! Barking, Sitting, Paws on Demand, Standing on 2 legs (front, if at all possible), Acrobatics… whatever you can do, do it! When I first met Mommy and Daddy, I was but a tiny pup, but I knew I wanted to be with them forever so I had to give them something they would never forget…
…so I pooped in their living room.
Looking back on it, it’s probably not what they wanted, but it did the job.
This, but in the living room.
Do you guys out there have a dog that has a clear understanding of these key steps? Any others I might have missed? As an example we can all look up to, here’s a pup after my own fart… I mean heart:
How weird! But he tells me that’s not where I got my name from at all (I’ll tell you in the future!) Plus my nose isn’t that big, is it?!?
Anyways, when Daddy isn’t being lazy, he’ll start to post them up on here! He promises he’ll get better at drawing me and if he doesn’t, he’ll find someone more talented to do it! If you like these comics, please tell him, so he continues to make them!